One from my archives! Back when I only half of my present gang. April 1999 Published in The Wise Mother
Too much to do! My list runneth o’er! My sweet baby, Slim, wakes up before I can make a dent in the list of things that absolutely must be done today. Now, with the baby on one hip, I get my preschooler, Cherish, another drink while still cleaning up the remains of the first one. What is my priority now? I try to decide if it is the sticky floor or the bills or —before I can go any further in my thoughts the doorbell rings. Great! Yet another interruption to this day! On the way to the door I mentally add eight things to my TO DO LIST. I open the door and I am suddenly aware that there is a beautiful day outside. Until that moment of sunshine and warm air hitting me, I was consumed by my housework and tending to the needs of my little ones. My little bubbly Cherish pushes past me to see who rang the bell. No one there. The sunshine seems to pull her forth from the house, beyond her control. “Mama! Let’s play!” she cries.
Go, Rachel, go! voices from beyond, my past and my future at the same time call to me. Live without regret! they seem to say. All of the sudden I see myself in Cherish– in my mind’s eye I am four again. I run with reckless abandon just for the sake of running. I spin and spin in circles until falling giggling to the earth. I see the trees and bushes as my dream-house, palace, and fairyland. I live in the moment with the sheer joy of each minute and all of its possibilities. I hear that younger-self calling to me through the years to remember, for a few moments to drop the laundry and the bills, forget returning e-mail and phone calls and go outside and play. “I’ll never get so old I won’t love being dizzy!” the younger self reminds me. We can explore the tall, tall pine tree that strands guard in front of the house. We hide in the secret forest in the side yard, untended and utterly perfect. We pick up rocks just to look for ‘tater bugs and worms. We explore, and pretend, and imagine.
Rachel, Rachel! A grandmotherly voice calls back to me, but it is very familiar. There are never enough cuddles, never too many I love yous, . . . my future self calls to me. Stop. Don’t yell at that precious child for leaving the door open or going out without shoes, those things don’t really matter in the end. She’ll be all grown up before you know it, showing no interest in climbing trees nor finding bugs. Treasure these tender moments; make the most of each one. Make memories! Live without regret!
Snapping back to the present, I find myself standing at the open door with my giggling baby still in arms. He is reaching for the package at my feet; the driver is down the block by now. I have been given a gift. I look up to watch Cherish run and play barefoot, hair blowing in the wind, carefree. Slim pats my cheek with his sweet, sticky hands as if he is asking to be put down to join his big sister. It hits me that this is what life is about. It is these decisions, those made in seemingly insignificant moments, which make up the bulk of our lives. Today I choose to make a memory for me, for us. I will live without regret. Enough of the mundane. We’re going outside to play!
