Another one from the archives! 1999 published in The Wise Mother

            As I write this, my year old son Slim is falling asleep at my breast.  He is looking more and more grown-up all the time.  He is beginning to mimic everything we do, blowing kisses and throwing balls to his big sisters Arwen and Cherish, making animal noises like Daddy, and patting Mama on the back, to name a few.  In light of this, I have decided to give him his first doll for Christmas.  Oh sure, he carries around his sisters’ dolls, but I want him to have his own baby to play “Daddy” to.

When we give toys to our children we communicate our values to them.  My daughters know how Mama feels about doll bottles, Barbie’s, and guns by my actions as well as our discussions.  And while those explanations will continue with little Slim, perhaps a new dialog needs to begin on the importance of parents—both of them.  Girls have continued to play with dolls despite the “feminist” movement telling us to instead give our daughters toys that were traditionally “boy” toys.  I am not saying we shouldn’t offer girls and boys the same toys as well as the same opportunities, in fact I am saying precisely that.  Lets be sure to give our sons the same opportunity to model good parenting as we do our daughters.

            My husband  is a wonderful father, and no he didn’t play with dolls (other than his Dapper Dan).  But I want to change that for the next generation.  I want Slim to be able to honor his father by modeling his behavior: comforting his babies, wearing his babies in the sling, sleeping by his babies, and giving the babies to Mama to breastfeed.    I want to communicate to Slim that being a terrific father is more important than being a fire fighter, a pilot, a teacher, an engineer, or whatever profession he chooses to pursue.  I want him to know that terrific fathering is not something that just happens, I want him to plan for it, role-model it, and expect it just like I want my daughters to plan and prepare for mothering.  In our vocabulary “mothering” means nurturing, but “fathering” instead merely refers to the act of co-creating.  I don’t want my son to think that is where a father’s job ends.

So this Christmas morning Slim’s first doll will be under the tree. I will watch with emotion and anticipation.  I can only hope it is more interesting to him than the box it comes in.